A man got on a bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls.
A blond kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets,
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Funny Pecker.
Two Woodpeckers
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the
Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the
Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Gay marriage goes on trail in California!
Opponents and defenders of gay marriage geared Monday for an epic court showdown.
Today there are only 5 US states that permits gay unioins, they are Iowa, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Vermont and New Hampshire.
It is scary to think that America is a world leader yet they are so ignorant towards the people they are suppose to govern. In South Africa we are allowed to marry any gender. Gay or Straight? My country see no difference. Not legally anyway. There is still some social discrimination surrounding homosexuality, but our justice system is fair enough. They could perhaps lay on harder sentences, but violate the law and you'll pay when you get caught, and in some cases, if you get caught. Gay people tend to not report these incidents to the Police.
Back to marriage, we as gay couples in South Africa have the exact same rights as heterosexual people. We are allowed to choose between "marriage" and "civil partnership". Straight people also have this option. The only difference being whats written on you marriage certificate. If you choose to be married you'll be husband and husband. If partnership is what you choose, it will be partner A and partner B.
Today I can proudly sit back and say: "America you suck"
Learn from South Africa for once, and see us for the leader that we are.
"I think our founding fathers would be rolling over in their graves if they heard that the constitution guarantees the right to redefine marriage. This is absurd," Brian Brown said. He is the director of the National Organisation for Marriage.
How did he end up such a public figure? Is it for the same reasons as what our local Julius Malema ( ANC Youth Leader) always ends up in the news? Because Julius Malema is also the kind of person who could turn everything into a "them" against "us" issue. Always race in his case. In a recent IOL poll they asked readers if they think Julius Malema is a racist and the result was that 88% said yes. You could read about that if you click here.
So, yes I think you find their sort everywhere.
Sometimes it is necessary to wash you hands of them and say good riddance to bad rubbish.
America should catch a wake-up. You want to pride yourself in your constitution, you want the world to admire you whilst all you are good at is in being an absolute arse-hole, cause war, and in being arrogant. You once had racism in America just as bad as what we had it over here.We overcame our demons.
In America the fight of race is over, yet the gay people have to struggle for the right to live a normal life.
First World Country my left tit.....
Monday, January 11, 2010
Give me wings, then get a life...
Ignorance is a bitch.
Ignorance is no excuse for being rude.
Ignorance is one of those things that cannot be blamed on anyone but yourself.
Honesty is definitely the best way to sort something out.
So this is a message to all the homophobes:
I am married you bastard. I am married to a man, and I love him. He's my life. He is the one that comforts me in times of need. I do not need anyone but him to keep me safe, to love me, to take care of me.
So, today when you looked at me and said something to your wife that made YOU laugh, not her, you just embarrassed yourself and your wife.
Sad that somebody like you should have children, just to raise another generation of homophobic bastards like yourself. May none of you sons ever have to try and explain to you that they are gay.
You are the kind of man that will kill a child's soul if that is the case.
Yes, call me a "fairy". Sir, I heard you, and so did half the shop.
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR VIEW OF ME.
"Fairy" - Have you no imagination?
Come and see me sometime, then I will teach you how to be a bitch.
Ignorance is no excuse for being rude.
Ignorance is one of those things that cannot be blamed on anyone but yourself.
Honesty is definitely the best way to sort something out.
So this is a message to all the homophobes:
I am married you bastard. I am married to a man, and I love him. He's my life. He is the one that comforts me in times of need. I do not need anyone but him to keep me safe, to love me, to take care of me.
So, today when you looked at me and said something to your wife that made YOU laugh, not her, you just embarrassed yourself and your wife.
Sad that somebody like you should have children, just to raise another generation of homophobic bastards like yourself. May none of you sons ever have to try and explain to you that they are gay.
You are the kind of man that will kill a child's soul if that is the case.
Yes, call me a "fairy". Sir, I heard you, and so did half the shop.
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR VIEW OF ME.
"Fairy" - Have you no imagination?
Come and see me sometime, then I will teach you how to be a bitch.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Fark, sometimes I mess up...
Mostly I just open my mouth to change feet. That is the one thing about me that I could've lived without. In my 29 years I've called a priest "testicles" (the Sotho words sounds very much the same, Muruti and Mêrete).
I've called a fat women pregnant. I've said that ones mother is a whore (also due to cross language misunderstandings) Africa is a tough country. Eleven official languages in South Africa alone and I suspect that these things will happen, and I'm not alone in this.
It's just that I try really hard to be "politically correct", since it's all the rage over here. I try to treat every single person with dignity and respect. I do it partly 'cause I want to, and partly 'cause I have to. Yet it's difficult.
I don't like stupid people. I don't really care who you are, or where you are from, just have a brain and we might be friends.
I cant really hide the way I feel. My face tells its own story, and no matter how much I try to hide it I cant seem to control it. It really gets me into some deep shit sometimes.
I've called a fat women pregnant. I've said that ones mother is a whore (also due to cross language misunderstandings) Africa is a tough country. Eleven official languages in South Africa alone and I suspect that these things will happen, and I'm not alone in this.
It's just that I try really hard to be "politically correct", since it's all the rage over here. I try to treat every single person with dignity and respect. I do it partly 'cause I want to, and partly 'cause I have to. Yet it's difficult.
I don't like stupid people. I don't really care who you are, or where you are from, just have a brain and we might be friends.
I cant really hide the way I feel. My face tells its own story, and no matter how much I try to hide it I cant seem to control it. It really gets me into some deep shit sometimes.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Tieners
Ek was die tiener uit die hel gewees. Ek sit vandag en terug dink aan die tyd toe die poliesie ons by die skool kom haal het. Ons is nou vir my en Thys.
Thys was in St.7 en ek in St.8. Thys was wel ‘n jaar ouer as ek, en so mooi soos ‘n engel. So een aand stap ek en Thys terug huis toe van die Spur af. Ons het altyd Vrydag aande daar bymekaar gekom saam met ons buddies, en ek en hy voel toe dat dit ‘n goeie tyd is om te gaan kuier by die enigste kroeg in ons ou dorpie. Tropicana was die naam van die ou plekkie gewees.
Jy hoef net daar in te stap om depressief te word, maar die wêreld lyk nuut op die rype ouderdom van 16 en ons bestel ons biere en gaan sit in ‘n donker hoek.(Mens weet nooit waneer Mnr. Stonehouse besluit hy is dors nie en as hy jou vang word jy Maandag voor die skool uitgeroep by die saal byeenkoms)
So word ons dronk. Op ons jong fikse ouderdomme het dit nie veel gevat om ons so te kry nie, en so tussen die badkammer toe slinger deur stap ons in sy neef vas. Die was duskant 40, en Thys se voog.
Hy was toe nie so kwaad as wat jy sou dink nie, en ons kuier saam met hom verder. ‘n Rukkie later tik Thys my op die skouer en wys my sy neef se kar sleutels. Nou ek hoef nie te verduidelik dat enige seun op 16 wil bestuur nie. Natuurlik glip ons weg en gaan soek na die kar. Horing dronk natuurlik…
Nou, in 1996, was die spesifieke Mercedes nogal ‘n baie moderne kar, en dis wat op ons wag toe ons daar kom. Ons was nat. Ons klim in, Thys eerste, en daar gaan die ou voor ons se agterste bumper, en ons voortse een. Thys en ek kyk mekaar, en ons ruil sitplekke sommer so binne die kar.
Ek reverse, en daar gaan ons agterste bumper, en die ou agter ons se voorste een. Ek probeer weer, en kom uit die parkering uit minus ‘n voorste bumper, en ‘n baie mooi sparkler wat agter my aansleep deur die hoofstraat agv die agterste ou se bumper wat nog vas sit aan ons sin.
Ons stop nie want netnou kan ons nie weer weg kom nie. Ons ry en iewers vrek die kar omdat ons clutch control nog nie so goed is nie. Thys vat oor.
Hy ry daai bonnet vir jou so knak deur die middel teen ‘n muur vas.
Ons los toe maar die kar daar, en stap die twee blokke terug kroeg toe, en gaan sê so ewe nag vir sy neef voordat ons na my huis toe gaan. Wel, Maandag is Thys nie by die skool nie. Ek bel maar kry nie antwoord nie. Voor tweede pouse word ek kantoor toe geroep en daar staan twee ooms in blou, en ‘n baie befokte mamma vir my en wag.
Ek het net geweet ek gaan bars. My Dad, vreemd genoeg, het half verlig gelyk. In na denke besef ek dat dit dalk was omdat hy op daardie stadium al woes begin stres het oor my “voorkeure” van lewensmaats, en hy het dalk hoop gesien omdat ek ook aanjaag soos ander laaities.
Dit het hom iets anders gegee om oor te gesels met sy braai tjommies. Ek neem hom nie kwalik nie, geen ou wil gaan afshow met hoe mooi sy seun hare blaas by ‘n bierdrink braai nie. Wel, nie waar ek vandaan kom nie.
My Dad het gegaan en mooi gepraat met Thys se neef, seker maar die kinders is kinders ding gewees, ek weet nie. Daar was toe darem nie sake nie.
Hy het nog mooier met my bemoerde ou moedertjie gesels, maar dit het minder resultate gehad. Ek hoor dit vandag nog. Veral as sy my twee jonger broers vasvat sê sy graag:”Ek het jou boetie gekry tot waar hy is, kardiefstal en al, ek skrik nie vir julle mannetjies nie!”
Die ding is, ek praat hier van my stiefpa, maar ek onthou nooit die stief deel nie. Hy was Pa. Hy was kwaai, maar hy was cool. Vandag nog is hy iemand waarvoor ek lekker kan lag.
Thys was in St.7 en ek in St.8. Thys was wel ‘n jaar ouer as ek, en so mooi soos ‘n engel. So een aand stap ek en Thys terug huis toe van die Spur af. Ons het altyd Vrydag aande daar bymekaar gekom saam met ons buddies, en ek en hy voel toe dat dit ‘n goeie tyd is om te gaan kuier by die enigste kroeg in ons ou dorpie. Tropicana was die naam van die ou plekkie gewees.
Jy hoef net daar in te stap om depressief te word, maar die wêreld lyk nuut op die rype ouderdom van 16 en ons bestel ons biere en gaan sit in ‘n donker hoek.(Mens weet nooit waneer Mnr. Stonehouse besluit hy is dors nie en as hy jou vang word jy Maandag voor die skool uitgeroep by die saal byeenkoms)
So word ons dronk. Op ons jong fikse ouderdomme het dit nie veel gevat om ons so te kry nie, en so tussen die badkammer toe slinger deur stap ons in sy neef vas. Die was duskant 40, en Thys se voog.
Hy was toe nie so kwaad as wat jy sou dink nie, en ons kuier saam met hom verder. ‘n Rukkie later tik Thys my op die skouer en wys my sy neef se kar sleutels. Nou ek hoef nie te verduidelik dat enige seun op 16 wil bestuur nie. Natuurlik glip ons weg en gaan soek na die kar. Horing dronk natuurlik…
Nou, in 1996, was die spesifieke Mercedes nogal ‘n baie moderne kar, en dis wat op ons wag toe ons daar kom. Ons was nat. Ons klim in, Thys eerste, en daar gaan die ou voor ons se agterste bumper, en ons voortse een. Thys en ek kyk mekaar, en ons ruil sitplekke sommer so binne die kar.
Ek reverse, en daar gaan ons agterste bumper, en die ou agter ons se voorste een. Ek probeer weer, en kom uit die parkering uit minus ‘n voorste bumper, en ‘n baie mooi sparkler wat agter my aansleep deur die hoofstraat agv die agterste ou se bumper wat nog vas sit aan ons sin.
Ons stop nie want netnou kan ons nie weer weg kom nie. Ons ry en iewers vrek die kar omdat ons clutch control nog nie so goed is nie. Thys vat oor.
Hy ry daai bonnet vir jou so knak deur die middel teen ‘n muur vas.
Ons los toe maar die kar daar, en stap die twee blokke terug kroeg toe, en gaan sê so ewe nag vir sy neef voordat ons na my huis toe gaan. Wel, Maandag is Thys nie by die skool nie. Ek bel maar kry nie antwoord nie. Voor tweede pouse word ek kantoor toe geroep en daar staan twee ooms in blou, en ‘n baie befokte mamma vir my en wag.
Ek het net geweet ek gaan bars. My Dad, vreemd genoeg, het half verlig gelyk. In na denke besef ek dat dit dalk was omdat hy op daardie stadium al woes begin stres het oor my “voorkeure” van lewensmaats, en hy het dalk hoop gesien omdat ek ook aanjaag soos ander laaities.
Dit het hom iets anders gegee om oor te gesels met sy braai tjommies. Ek neem hom nie kwalik nie, geen ou wil gaan afshow met hoe mooi sy seun hare blaas by ‘n bierdrink braai nie. Wel, nie waar ek vandaan kom nie.
My Dad het gegaan en mooi gepraat met Thys se neef, seker maar die kinders is kinders ding gewees, ek weet nie. Daar was toe darem nie sake nie.
Hy het nog mooier met my bemoerde ou moedertjie gesels, maar dit het minder resultate gehad. Ek hoor dit vandag nog. Veral as sy my twee jonger broers vasvat sê sy graag:”Ek het jou boetie gekry tot waar hy is, kardiefstal en al, ek skrik nie vir julle mannetjies nie!”
Die ding is, ek praat hier van my stiefpa, maar ek onthou nooit die stief deel nie. Hy was Pa. Hy was kwaai, maar hy was cool. Vandag nog is hy iemand waarvoor ek lekker kan lag.
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